The Story Behind the Poem – “Undeserving”

The poem “Undeserving”, featured in my book Weightless, was written during my second hospitalization. This was a time filled with disappointment in myself for not being able to comply with the treatment the first time I was discharged from the clinic. Despite my efforts in staying healthy, keeping good food-routines and holding on to self-encouragement, the voice of the illness snuffed out those attempts time and time again. I came back to the clinic not with an outlook of reestablishing a few failing routines, straightening my behavior somewhat or to top up my recovery progress with some minor adjustments. No, it was a side-track changing direction to a fast back-track, it was steps back turning into full spiraling down.

The constant disappointment and self-reprimand got stronger the longer my illness progressed, the more “proof”, as I perceived, I received each time I failed to follow yet another advice from doctors, plea from loved ones, fear-filled urging to myself when my weight kept getting dangerously low and my mental resistance got weaker. Defeat was, at one point, in every cell of my being and my conviction of not deserving help had taken roots. I cannot pinpoint an exact day for when I wrote the poem. What had been words growing in me as feelings of worthlessness mounted, spilled out onto a page, one word here one day, one line there another day until emotions and writing branched out forming those verses.

 

“Undeserving”

Cut my soul in pieces

I don’t deserve a tender touch

Crumble me to powder

I don’t deserve to be loved

Throw me away

I don’t deserve you to hold me

Forget me

I don’t deserve your help

To be remembered.

I got those rules served,

I guess to put myself on place,

I think that’s what I deserve.

Like poison they run through my veins,

If only your words could untie this tangle

‘cause, it’s killing me

in every way

and it feels like

I can’t do anything

But to stay in this falling.

 

If your feelings of not being enough swirls in your chest but evades you when you try to put them into words, I hope then that my words can be a voice for you and know that the words in this poem were proven wrong. You deserve full recovery, you deserve not to be given up on, you deserve complete wellness.

Advertisements